Pre-K and some of my crazy emotions!

Elena started Pre-K this year. She was SOOO excited to wear her backpack and go meet her teacher. She loaded her backpack with all sorts of junk (or as my dad would call it.....Neat Things). She has been a little confused because....Well, last year I began telling her that when she is four, she will start Preschool. So when she woke up the morning of her fist day, I told her that today is the day you get to go to Preschool. She responded....I'M FOUR??? And now everyday that it is a Pre-K day, she asks if she is four. We still have one more month before she actually turns four. She did great going, no tears, no fears, just typical happy Elena. There was alittle bit of sadness that she didn't get to bring her backpack, because the teacher provides a bag for them.

And then Wow!! Some emotions I didn't see coming. After droping her off I pulled back into our garage and got myself out of the car, I stood there empty handed and started to cry. No one to get out of a car seat, or have to stand and hold the door open for, no one to stumble over as we make our way though the garage door. No one, it was just me. It has been along time since I have been sad for myself. But I can't deny the emptiness that has begun to grow inside of me...that of another baby. Don't get me wrong, I am so blessed and have so much to be grateful for....but, I just didn't think I would be home alone so soon. I thought for sure there was another baby for us, and somehow I really feel that there is. But as each day passes and years go by....I am beginning to wonder if I need to change the way I am feeling. Is this really feelings of another baby or is it just a fantasy that I want so badly to come true? As I went inside I started to wonder, is this really it? Are my babies all grown up? All of these baby accessories and clothes and cribs, ect... is it time to let it all go? How long do I keep doing this to myself....saying I feel like it is going to be soon, fasting and praying for a baby that may never find its way to us. Now the kids are all warped up in this fantasy that I have created, never missing an opportunity to pray that we will get a baby soon. When do I say enough is enough....

Well now that some time has passed, since my bout with the sadness. I have come to the conclusion that enough is not enough yet....I am still going to push forward and find this little piece of heaven that is missing from our family. (Any ways this post turned out to be more about me than my big Pre-K girl, sorry.)

So of course when I picked up Elena she had had a wonderful day!!! I love this Pre-K School, I thought I would feel guilty for putting her in preschool. Here I am a stay at home mom and should easily be able to do preschool at home with her. I always have great intentions of doing all of these fun crafts and finger painting and alphabet games, worksheets, etc....but sadly the reality is I am not consistent with it and then I just feel down on myself for not doing more than I am. But here at Preschool she gets all of that and more, plus she has homework and fun crafts that get sent home for us to do together. It actually makes me feel more fulfilled to see here thriving in this environment. Everyday she looks bigger and more grown up, every day she gets smarter and more amazing. Everyday I just can't believe how blessed I am to be her mother.